Outside a dog, a book is man's best friend.  Inside a dog, it's too dark to read.
 
 I get credit all the the time for things I never said.

Although it is generally known, I think it's about time to announce that I was born at a very early age.

I sent the club a wire stating:  "Please accept my resignation.  I don't want to belong to any club that will accept people
     like me as a member."

I find television very educational.  Every time someone switches it on I go into another room and read a book.

Die, my dear?  That's the last thing I'll do.

Here's to our wives and girlfriends....may they never meet.

A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

I was married by a judge.  I should have asked for a jury.

I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.

I've got the brain of a four year old.  I'll bet he was glad to get rid of it.

Either he's dead or my watch stopped.

In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquet and throw away the groom.

Room service?  Send up a larger room.