ALCOHOL

The problem surrounding the question of if the glass is half empty or half full is easily resolved once you learn how to order another round.

Holiday Warning:    Please, take care of yourself. A recent joint study conducted by the Department of Health and the Department of Motor Vehicles indicates that 23% of traffic accidents are alcohol related. This means that the remaining 77% are caused by people who drink bottled water, Starbucks, soda, juice, and energy drinks, and text and talk while driving.  Therefore, beware of those who do not drink alcohol. They cause three times as many accidents.

W.C. Fields
A man has to believe in something.  I believe I'll have another drink.
People say that I don't like children.  I love children, especially if they're cooked right.
Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times.
How well I remember my first encounter with The Devil's Brew. I happened to stumble across a case of bourbon--and went right on stumbling for several days thereafter.
Back in my rummy days, I would tremble and shake for hours upon arising. It was the only exercise I got.
Thou shalt not kill anything less than a fifth.
Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's house unless they have a well-stocked bar.
Somebody's been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice!
Say, Mr. Fields, I read in the paper where you consumed two quarts of liquor a day. What would your father think about that? WC: He'd think I was a sissy.
I exercise extreme self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.
I don't believe in dining on an empty stomach.
Say anything that you like about me except that I drink water.
Of course, now I touch nothing stronger than buttermilk: 90-proof buttermilk.
Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch...
I never drank anything stronger than beer before I was twelve.
I seldom took a drink on the set before 9 a.m.
Fields gave this rationale for not drinking water: Fish f*ck in it.
I certainly do not drink all the time. I have to sleep you know.
In response to a waiter who'd offered him a Bromo Seltzer for a hangover, Fields said: Ye Gods, no! I couldn't stand the noise.
A woman drove me to drink, and I'll be a son-of-a-gun but I never even wrote to thank her.
I've been on a 46-year diet of olives and alcohol. The latter I consume. The former I save and use over again in more alcohol. In my lifetime, I imagine, I have consumed at least $200,000 worth of whisky.
It's a wonderful thing, the D.T.'s. You can travel the world in a couple of hours. You see some mighty funny and curious things that come in assorted colors.
Sleep...the most beautiful experience in life--except drink.
Secretary: Someday you'll drown in a vat of whiskey. WC (an aside): Drown in a vat of whiskey? Oh death, where is thy sting?
During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days.
I feel like a midget with muddy feet had been walking over my tongue all night.
Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven. 
Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned. 
Everything I do is either illegal, immoral, or fattening.